


in reverse.

by orphxus (impxria)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/M, Friends With Benefits, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-06-07 12:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6805201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impxria/pseuds/orphxus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <span class="small">while i'm dreaming, i feel you leaving.</span>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	in reverse.

mentions of sex. friends with benefits.

* * *

It’s all so wrong-- it’s so, _so_ wrong, but neither of you have tried to stop. Night after night-- drunk or sober, happy or sad, it doesn’t matter. You find pleasure in each other despite that terrifying feeling of guilt that digs deep into hearts because in those moments, minds go blank and everything comes to a stand still. The only thing that you can remember is his touch.

And when his body presses against yours, lips leaving butterfly kisses on smooth skin, a sickening reminder of selfishness comes and goes because damn it all--

You are selfish and so is he. 

But you are not his and he is not yours-- not now, not ever.

Because love is not something you are familiar with and you’re both fools that are too afraid to understand what it means. Because fucking shouldn’t lead to broken hearts.

You are ignorant in your ways, so hopeless and lost. You think love is a foreign concept and do not realize how much it runs through your veins-- you both do not realize that it leaves your fingertips when you touch him, whether it be hands desperately gripping his shoulders when he grasps your hips or fingers gently fixing his impossible mess of hair in the mornings that he dares stay.

These thoughts are always with you, but you try to forget because you realize you need to-- but try all you want, they’ll always come back. 

When you’re gasping for air and he lies next to you, every ounce of pleasure and shock that flows through your bare body slowly dies away in the night and you’re left feeling emptier than before.

The room is eerily quiet except for heavy breaths. You turn away from him and he does not notice how you clutch onto the sheets like they are the only thing left in this world that could protect you from him. The only thing left that could protect you from these frightening emotions.

No, this is not love. This is not what love should be.

You don’t know what it should be, but when the feeling comes, you think you will understand it. 

But my dear, the world is not perfect. You are running from love and it does not come if you always search for it.

Instead, it has found you and you’re miles away from realizing.

So you lie there, eyelashes fluttering as the struggle to remain awake grows. And before you submit, the faint creak of the bed fails to go unnoticed.

He kisses your forehead when you fall asleep.

He leaves again.

**.     .     .**

He doesn’t exactly know how you transitioned from friends to friends with benefits to--

To what?

He can’t find the right word to describe it.

It’s supposed to start with no strings attached. Kuroo doesn’t need confirmation to realize that something’s changed. Whenever you’re around each other, there’s this strange air of tension that hides behind the usual comfort. He notices that you begin to turn away from him when the calm settles in; he notices that you no longer stare at each other in quiet intimacy before smiles break out and he kisses you just one more time. He notices that even in the most innocent touches-- like the ones where he moves a strand of hair away from your face, you sometimes tense and excuse yourself. And it makes his heart drown lower and lower in dread.

It bothers him and he’s unsure of how to approach this matter.

Because it isn’t as easy as asking what’s happened or how you feel towards each other--

It is, he thinks. It is that simple. But fear restrains and he’s left searching for answers that could come so easily yet in the most complex ways.

And when he leaves you just like he always does, he fights the urge to stay. 

Because there are rules with these things.

Do not fall in love. Do not feel anything other than what you feel in those nights.

Kuroo begins to struggle remembering this.

**.     .     .**

“Step one: fall in love with love.”

Kenma’s eyes flicker away from the phone when you read the title of article out loud.

“That’s shit advice.”

“Why are you reading that?”

“Because my phone died and you won’t let me play your game.”

“You keep wasting my hearts,” he responds without skipping a beat, “and they take long to recover.”

That strikes a chord when it shouldn’t. You laugh and he pauses, brows slightly knit at the genuine bitterness that rings in it. But there’s no need for explanations. Kenma met you the same time you met Kuroo and since then, he’s seen how you’ve both danced in blissful oblivion together. But years later, the bliss that follows ignorance is dying and now, you are left wondering what you are to each other. You wonder if you’re wasting away in this friendship-- whatever you can even call it now.

He doesn’t know and he isn’t there to play matchmaker. But never does he stand at the sidelines and watch you drown in reverie; he speaks nonchalantly, but every word holds meaning.

“How many hearts do you have left, Kenma?”

“Just one.”

You smile at him and throw the magazine onto the table. His lips purse and he hands the phone to you.

“This is yours,” he says softly, “don’t throw it away.”

And somehow, someway, you understand what he means.

**.     .     .**

“Red string of fate.”

“Sorry?”

“The red string of fate.” Akaashi repeats, absentmindedly erasing yet another mistake on your assignment. “I believe it exists.”

“How do you know?”

“I don’t. No one does.”

“Akaashi.”

He stares at you with that same worry as he once did when he realized what your relationship with Kuroo had become. He stares and stares before shoulders rise and fall with a soft sigh and the knot in your chest tightens. Because he always knows what’s happening; he’s always looked out for you like an older brother and his instincts are always right when it comes to others.

He doesn’t understand your situation and doesn’t try to because it’s not his place. It’s not his place and he knows that no matter what obstacle comes your way, you always figure out how to overcome it. But right now, your heart struggles to find the puzzle pieces and put them all together.

Akaashi believes you are in love. He believes that everything you have with Kuroo is genuine, even if it may be of convenience. Because hearts hold trust, loyalty, and devotion.

This, he knows, is what you and Kuroo share with each other.

“The red string of fate connects people together.”

“I know that. What are you trying to say?”

His brotherly instinct tells him to protect you-- but inside, he knows that Kuroo is a good person. He sees how happy you are with him and he wishes that you hadn’t fallen for each other in reverse. He wishes that you could have fallen in love like they all do in the stories, but this is real life and you’ve fallen in the strangest ways. 

You’ve fallen in love, but love is not a straight path-- it twists and turns and right now, you’re unable to find your way.

He sighs again and the gentle look on his face reminds you of the childhood moments where you’d scrape your knee and cry, but all he would do was pat your head and give you that same expression.

“Who do you think’s at the end of that thread?”

He asks because he knows who will come to mind at the question. 

He never receives a proper answer, but the solemn countenance that greets him says enough. 

“I don’t know what to do.”

And just like he always has in troubled times, he pats your head and ruffles your hair.

**.     .     .**

When you come home from class, you expect to come home to an empty apartment and crash right away. But the apartment isn’t empty-- you realize this very quickly when you walk in and see a cat sitting on the couch.

And it’s not Kuroo.

Green eyes stare at you and at first, you just stare back with an uncertain look. Because it’s a cute cat, no doubt-- but it looks like it wants to kill you. You never close the door, shifting uncomfortably as your gaze moves between the animal and the door, as if it’ll somehow understand what you’re trying to communicate.

So that goes on for a few minutes until you realize that this cat isn’t going to read your mind. You try to cautiously approach the animal, but it hisses and darts into your bedroom. And when you follow, its body language shows every sign of hostility and you realize that this cat could probably take you on and win. 

It never stops staring at you.

Oddly creeped out, you take a step out of the room and pull the phone out. You’ve been avoiding him lately and he’s aware; he’s just given you space. But running only lasts for so long and does so little-- despite your desire to call Akaashi or Kenma to help out, you swallow your discomfort and dial his number.

“Hey, sunshine.”

“There’s a cat in my house.”

A pause on the other line.

“...Kenma?”

“What? No, you dumbass-- I mean a real cat.”

“Oh. Why?”

“Because I thought it was cute and invited it in for coffee.” You respond in exasperation, peeking your head into the room. “I don’t know how it got in. Can you just come over and get it out?”

It takes him ten minutes to come over.

“Where is it?”

“In the bedroom.”

A smug, knowing look.

“You could have just asked, you know.”

“There’s actually a cat in there.”

You’ve never seen disappointment appear so quickly.

It takes him a minute to get the cat out. One minute. Apparently, he’s popular with cats.

You expect him to be on his way after, but he plops down on the couch and turns on the TV, shooting a lazy look your way before gesturing to the seat next to him. You’re too exhausted to even bother questioning why he’s still hanging around and he knows that-- but if you ask him to leave, he will. But you never ask because you think he will-- because that’s what usually happens, right?

No movement. Kuroo eyes you and notes how hands wring together and he almost begins to move towards the door. He hates making you feel nervous, so if leaving makes you feel better, he'll go. He doesn't need you to ask; your actions say enough. But you move first, walking with such hesitance that it seems you’re walking on landmines before curling up beside him.

You’re afraid he might push you away. You’re afraid that this type of affection is not something that shouldn’t happen in this type of relationship. It’s testing the boundaries-- gently pushing and pulling to see how he’ll react.

It surprises him-- the fact that you would even do that and the fact that he feels happy that you’re comfortable enough to do so. Because this is a different type of intimacy; this is the type that you hardly share with each other. And both of you feel more vulnerable than you’ve ever have, even in the dim moonlight when he showers you with kisses.

But he never moves away, even though he feels the tension in your body. He never tries to break the silence with his lame jokes; he just watches the show, though all his thoughts are on you.

He realizes that he likes this. He likes this sense of comfort of just being-- just having you at his side. You’ve always been there and he knows that, but this time, it feels different. It feels better; it feels like this is what it should always be like.

When he opens his mouth to speak, he notices how much you’re leaning against him. He notices how your breathing has changed because he’s familiar with waiting for that pattern-- because that’s when it’s time to leave. And it’s a terrible, bitter pang of guilt that comes when he notices that it’s what he always waits for.

But this time, he does not leave.

You wake up with his arm around your waist and his head resting on yours. When he wakes with you, he just smiles at your puzzlement.

“Hey, sunshine.”

It’s in that moment that you decide to stop running away.

And in all the nights he’s spent with you, he thinks this is the best one.

**.     .     .**

“I think you’re in love.”

Kuroo waits for Bokuto to break out into a mischievous grin, but it never comes. Instead, it’s a genuine, proud smile and frankly, he doesn’t know if trepidation or relief takes over.

“--What?”

“Huh?” It seems so obvious to everyone except for the two, Bokuto thinks. He leans back in the chair, arms behind his head while he hums in thought. It’s a delicate situation, but you and Kuroo are so vastly different in ways that make you fit together in some strange sense. Bokuto is just telling Kuroo what he already knows, so technically-- _technically_ , Akaashi can’t lecture him for interfering. 

But then again, Akaashi is better at giving advice than he is.

“You don’t think so?”

Kuroo's never considered it and it’s so dumb how hard those first blunt words hit. It’s been there. Love has been dwelling in his heart and he’s pulled the wool over his eyes in ignorance. A loud exhale of frustration fills the air when he feels a few pats on the back, but he can’t seem to find anything to say.

“I think they love you too.”

In any other given situation, he would feel joyous knowing that. But this isn’t normal. This isn’t dating and finally reaching the point where you can confess the “I love yous”. This is something that was never intended to happen-- but he doesn’t regret it-- not at all. He just wishes things were simple and he wishes he could feel better about the butterflies that flutter in his stomach.

Bokuto wonders how far he should go with this because Akaashi definitely doesn’t hand out advice in such obvious ways and he’s been told over and over not to interfere, but he can’t help it-- he knows they can be so much happier instead of losing themselves in thoughts of doubt and confusion. 

“You know,” he starts out, a hand resting on his friend’s shoulder, “I bet they’d say yes if you asked them out.”

That goofy smile doesn’t help all too much, but his next words bring careful consideration.

“Just because things happened in a weird order doesn’t mean you can’t start from the beginning.”

Another hefty pat on the back-- almost hard enough to push him in the right direction.

Kuroo’s heart feels lighter after that talk. And after days of thinking it through, he decides to follow the advice.

**.     .     .**

“Do you want to go on a date?”

People can think Kuroo Tetsurou oozes confidence and sex appeal all they want, but right now, that is definitely not what you see. He’s been trying to gather himself to ask correctly and it didn’t come out as smoothly as he’d like, but hell-- at least he managed to go through with it.

There are many odd things about this situation:

One: Kuroo Tetsurou is formally asking you on a date. 

Two: Something tells you that this question means more than others would think. This isn’t just a first date-- it’s a gesture that brings musing over whether you can be any more than just friends with benefits.

Three: You can see Bokuto and Akaashi hiding behind a pillar.

“Not with them, right?”

His eyebrows raise before he notices the suspicious duo.

“--Not with them.”

You laugh when they come out of hiding; Bokuto greets you with a cheesy smile and Akaashi holds the faintest satisfaction in his eyes. 

It is not nerves that consume you; it's only a sense of calm and hope that allows you to answer without any reluctance.

“Then yeah, let’s go on a date.”

Akaashi knows from the start that this first date is the one that leads to a road of security and many cherished moments between loved ones. 

And despite all the jitters, the date is just like any other time you spend with Kuroo-- comfortable and familiar. He takes you out to dinner, walks you home-- and when you reach the apartment building, that’s when you both get nervous.

He refuses to let it show. He smiles that handsome smile and kisses your forehead; the warmth in your face almost makes it seem like you’re in highschool again-- childish and head over heels for Kuroo Tetsurou.

That kiss has made you feel more for him than any other one.

**.     .     .**

Countless dates and months later and you’re finally understanding what those thoughts that kept you up meant. Things are different now-- he doesn’t spend the night like he used to and gestures of affection hold more significance. You don’t have that heaviness on your chest anymore and it feels easier to be around him.

When his hands slide down your sides, there is no guilt. No worry about what will happen in the future to this relationship. There is only happiness-- only love and adoration.

“Kuroo,” his name comes out in a breathless voice and through all the nights he’s heard it over and over again, there’s something so different this time-- something raw and excruciatingly vulnerable that he thinks he’s fallen even harder than possible.

“--What do you think love is?”

He freezes, hands resting comfortably on your waist. The immense curiosity and yearning in your eyes almost makes him forget what the question is. It almost seems like he hesitates-- but he doesn’t have to think hard about the answer. It comes to him in just a few seconds, but a rare moment of timidness latches on and the ability to express such a simple, yet heavy response disappears. But the blithe smile and the way he looks at you says enough and you understand.

He breathes your name across your lips and kisses you with such fervor that you wish to never let go.

_

love is you and i.

_


End file.
